August 18th 2017

My account is negative, I am behind a little over $500 at my daughter’s daycare, my car insurance is due, and as I walk in to pick up my daughter from daycare she gives me the biggest smile as soon as she sees me. I smile back at her, but inside I feel shame. I feel like the biggest failure. As we drive off in the car I hold back tears, I keep it together and ask her how her field trip to the zoo was. She tells me all about the animals she saw and how she wasn’t scared to feed the goats. In that moment I forget about the problems and I’m grateful that my daughter had a good day. Then I think about what we’re going to eat for dinner. All we have at home is milk, cereal, apples, and yogurt. I have about $30 in cash and decide we can’t go wrong with Domino’s $7.99 large pizza. While we’re at Domino’s waiting for our pizza I get a call from daycare informing me I’m in the red because of my past due amount. I promise to be caught up by the following week. As I hang up I start thinking about how I’m going to make my rent on the first of next month. My daughter interrupts my thoughts by loudly yelling, “Mom look they’re making pizza!” On the drive home I tell my daughter we can eat pizza and watch a movie when we get home and that’s all it takes for my daughter to think I’m the best mom ever. As we get out of the car and walk towards the door my daughter picks up a flower for me. I put it in my cup along with the other flowers shes picked for me. We watch The Rugrats Movie and eat pizza. Then it’s time for bed. My daughter drifts away within a couple minutes of turning off the lights. I wait for a bit to make sure she’s really asleep and then I just cry. I cry for awhile until I have no more tears to cry. I think about all the times I’ve been here before. When my daughter was a couple months old and I couldn’t afford diapers or formula and I had to max out my credit cards. When I couldn’t afford my car note and rent and ended up getting my car repossessed. I’ve been here before. I’ve felt this helpless before, but I know that things will work out. A year from now I know things will be better, I’ll still be struggling, but things will be better. Every year things get better, I have to remind myself of all the blessings despite the struggles. On days like this it’s hard, but I force myself to count my blessings. My daughter and I are healthy, we have a roof over our head, clothes on our back, and much  more. I want to remember this day. I want to remember this season in my life, so that tomorrow when the sun comes up I appreciate it that much more.

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